By nature, people do not like ultimatums. They are threatening, limiting, and just plain passive aggressive. So, imagine how terrible it is when you give yourself one ultimatum, or worse, many. For some people — especially perfectionists and black and white thinkers — giving ultimatums is a way of life. Even though it may seem like ultimatums are a motivational tool they are very self-destructive. I know because I used to give myself ultimatums. Frequently. It was part of my “all or nothing” thinking. Either I was going to get “x,” or I’d never get “y” . In fact, here are some examples of ultimatums I used to give myself on a regular basis. “Either this guy is “the one,” or I’m through with dating.”“Either I get this promotion, or I’m quitting.”“Either I stick to this diet, or I’ll be a failure forever.” Those are all pretty threatening, limiting, and passive aggressive, right? So, why would I do this to myself? Why giving yourself ultimatums will never motivate you to change When I would propose these scenarios to myself, I was literally retaliating against myself. By only ever give myself the choice between complete success or total failure, I would unconsciously… View Post
I used to have a thing for Skittles. It was more like a compulsion for Skittles. At one of my former jobs, there was a vending machine. If you work in an office, chances are there are one (or five) convenience portals to grab food. The first six months of working in this particular office, I didn’t know anything about that vending machine. Not a thing. I couldn’t have told you one item that was in that machine. You get it. One day I was informed that I had to take on a new, challenging and time-consuming task that would take up approximately three days at the end of each month. And then that one task turned into multiple responsibilities also expected of me each month. And needless to say, some of these tasks did not come easily to me and often frustrated me to tears. When I couldn’t balance out reports or my workload started to become completely overwhelming, I began to feel the stress. At first, I tried to incorporate stress relief tactics like mindful breathing and going for a walk out to get some fresh air. However, one of those days on my ‘time out,’ I decided… View Post
As an American living abroad during the past two election cycles, I couldn’t help but feel frustrated with the state of things back home. To say things are toxic would be an understatement. It seems like everywhere you turn, people are at odds with each other about everything. “Things are changing, get over it.” Before I became a coach, I used to be one of those folks who walked around thinking, “just get over it.” However, these days it is my opinion, and the belief of many great scholars, thinkers, and leaders before me that love and compassion are necessities for living an honest and substantial life. And the truth is; I couldn’t do this without being more loving and compassionate to myself. Self-compassion is something with which the majority of us struggle. It’s much easier to beat ourselves up about our perceived failures or prop ourselves up for our perceived strengths while comparing ourselves to the faults and advantages of the other people than it is, to be honest with ourselves. When we evaluate ourselves so stringently, it doesn’t just stay with us. When we are cutting towards ourselves, we tend to be less kind to others in turn. I’ve… View Post
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